Countdown
by Shizuo Thundering
Summary: It had started quite stupidly at first. The eighteen year old man had started cutting. Not to hurt himself, not to feel something else than a heartache. It had been... a countdown.


**Title** : Countdown

 **Rating** : M

 **Pairing** : One sided HachimenroppixIzaya / ShizuoxIzaya

 **Disclaimer** : I own none of these characters!

This story contains implied MalexMale relationship, incest, self-harm and religious references. It is not proofread yet. Keep in mind my English is not perfect and I would be grateful if anyone pointed out my mistakes so I can improve my English.

* * *

Have you ever thought one could die of a broken heart? Neither did Hachimenroppi. The thought only seemed to be stupid. But once confronted with it, he had had no other choices.

It had started quite stupidly at first. The eighteen year old man had started cutting. Not to hurt himself, not to feel something else than a heartache. It had been... a countdown. Yes, he could call it as such. Like many young people of his age, he was spending a lot of his time on the Internet. It had been a stupid chain of email at first, proposing to count how many days people had to wait before meeting their soulmate. Nothing harmful. Until a certain 'Chrome' added to the email a few details, details that reached Roppi's heart and soul. 'Why not count it with our bodies, to see how much it hurts while waiting.'

The idea hadn't really been appealing him at first but after corresponding with that girl, he had given it a try. He had tried a lot of things already. Smoking pot, drinking alcohol, had already had sex- Things he was not particularly proud of but he could now tell that he did not like any of these things. But never had he tried to purposely hurt himself for the pleasure of hurting himself.

Actually, it had not particularly hurt at first. It itched at most. The most disagreable sensation had always been the icy grip on his body afterward, as if _someone_ had been telling him that everything he was doing at the moment was _wrong_ , just by laying its eyes on him. As if someone had been _judging_ him. But it was nothing. Just a line everyday. His life was not threatened, he was always making sure that the knife never could cut deeper than his epidermis. With time, it rarely badly scarred to be honest. Just thin white lines he could everyday count.

It had been a day he hadn't particularly paid attention to who was in the house when his older brother, Orihara Izaya, had discovered what he had been doing during all this time. Few months were nothing. About a thousand lines only. This thin line was however made of blood, liquid that had already started clotting. Hachimenroppi, small knife in hand had been sitting on his bed when Izaya had walked on him doing that stupid and reckless thing. But if his brother had been angry or disgusted by the custom, he hadn't let it show on his delicate features. To anyone else, anyone that did not know that man, they probably would have thought that he did not care the slightest.

Truth had been elsewere, however. Enticing blood-dried like eyes had stared down at his wrist as he had cleaned it, carefully wrapping it up afterward. What he had not expected had been Izaya's words. Words he would have probably never heard from him if he had not started cutting himself.

"Stop hurting yourself and love yourself even more." It might have been something insignificant to any other person, but it had meant a lot to Hachimenroppi.

He had felt like he did not feel the need to count anymore-

That had been how he had stopped.

Hachimenroppi had known that loving his brother wasn't something that he should be doing. Not in such twisted way at least. Yet, he could not help his heart to yearn for contact, conversations, as banal as they could be. Anything to fill the hole that kept gnawing at in his heart, like thousands of greedy mouths as hands would clutch at it, suffocating him. And that sensation had only grown worst when he had been able to see his brother chatting with other people. People who were close to him. Closer to him than he would ever be, even as his brother.

But reality soon caught upon him.

愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛

愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛

"I loved him so much, so, so much, if he had been able to feel the same way as I did...

Then...

But reality was harsh and cold. I was not the type of man who had the courage to always be optimistic and to think about the future. I simply was not able to shut myself down and cut myself from the world either. That'd been why the only thing I've been able to do was staying by his sides. Lost, desperate, paralyzed."

愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛

愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛

Cold fingertips had squeezed his forearm when he had seen them. The 'protozoan' and his brother. They hadn't been kissing. Let's say... they had more like bitten at each other's lips, Izaya forcibly coaxed to submit to an erotic entanglement of tongue that had seemed to steal the very breath from their lungs. Even years after, that same passion in between them had never petered out. A passion he had been envious of. A passion he had witnessed. Lusting after his own brother, imagining himself being in Shizuo's place.

The rest of his story had been as simple and as neat as a line.

The original question was, 'Have you ever thought one could die of a broken heart?' Hachimenroppi could now tell that, yes, it was possible. And it was also how he had ended up.

He had started to count again. A final countdown to when he would die after cutting too deep.

愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛

愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛

"I told myself I would always love him, even if any of us came to die.A lot of people told me that I was still young, that I had to forget the person that I was in love with. That I had to move on. I wonder... If I had been able to forget, would I have had a happy life? Would time have been able to make this atrocious pain disappear? Would I have been, one day, able to be happy? I've loved him so much and I was happy just with this. But after he got with him and was not thinking about me anymore, I felt betrayed. He had occupied all of my thoughts until that very day...

Am I really allowed to forget him now?"

" _You are_."

愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛

愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛愛


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